Special to JohnFMurray.com – Editorial by John F Murray, Ph.D. – February 19, 2012 – Whether at work, at play or when involved in a casual or romantic relationship, people seem to have a consistent problem of awareness. Since we all look at the world from our own eyes outward, it is quite natural to observe others long before we take a deep look at our own behavior and at how it might impact the relationships in our lives.
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of noticing what your friends or partners are doing, how they are messing up, and ways in which they need to change and improve, that we are often clueless about what we ourselves are doing. Add to this the fact that we believe in our own ideas and have a natural bias toward our own perspective on things, and you have the recipe for relationship disaster.
It all leads to increased polarization on viewpoints, myopia, and prejudicial thinking at the expense of your counterpart and at the expense of the relationship. If we would all just take a few steps back over time and try to see how we really look and act from the perspective of others, we would be that much more adept getting along, living harmoniously and resolving conflict.
Anytime you feel compelled to comment negatively on another person in your life, or to give your unsolicited advice, take a step back and see if you might be missing something about your own behavior first. For example, many people will say that their partner is withdrawing from the relationship and not opening up well, whereas if that person looks deeply in the mirror they will realize that they are being too controlling or judgmental, and actually contributing to their partner’s withdrawal in the first place. Or one person might jump to the conclusion that their partner has anger issues without realizing that they themselves are fueling anger and frustration by being passive aggressive or manipulative, or by withholding affection.
The biggest thing that gets in the way of a healthy relationship is fear, and it can be fear in many different flavors. For example, one person may not really feel adequate or confident in a relationship because of poor self-esteem whereas another with a bad previous relationship may fear rejection. A third person may be terrified that another person is going to try to control them and that they will lose their identity and be swallowed up like a small fish in the process. As long as one person is holding onto fear, the relationship is going to be difficult to advance.
The solution to fear is to build a more mature self-image that is assertive and takes on full responsibility for expressing needs and feelings adequately to the other person. This improved communication helps us all to move beyond needy, controlling, or compulsive behavior that ruins relationships. It is often said that he or she who tries to control the relationship most actually has the least control of all. Control just does not work. It is far better to let the person develop and grow on their own, and let the person realize their own insights at their own pace.
I have often believed that the most dangerous persons in the world are those who are insecure. You can sometimes smell their insecurity a mile away, and they will go to lengths to make themselves appear superior or more secure in the eyes of others. The only true solution is for that person to develop greater self-esteem and self-love. Those on the outside can help a lot too, but the person needs to dig deep and work on himself or herself for true internal change to occur.
The key message today is that only when we are willing to look at ourselves as deeply and as comfortably as we look at our partner’s behavior will true change and reduction of fear be possible. That inner focus allows you to work on things needed and to gain new self-awareness.
It’s often said that before you can love another person you need to learn to love yourself first, and it is all so true. If your focus is on your partner instead of on yourself, you will persist in thinking that if only your partner changed, the relationship would be fixed. Now you know the truth.
I hope you enjoyed this dialogue from the world of Dr. John F Murray.
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